Time For Spring Cleaning…my brain is cluttered

There is a lot of junk in the closet...maybe it would be better to lay here.

There is a lot of junk in the closet…maybe it would be better to lay here.

Rather than work on my work work, I found myself poking around on WP today….how did that happen?

I should be finishing up my current project. Nothing has the capacity of dashing my spirits mo’ bettah than a tail-between-my-legs late submission. It just makes me feel like a heal.

Yes, I meant to make a rhyme.

But nooo; heal or no heal, I can’t seem to refocus myself to the things I am supposed to be doing. Instead, I am tripping over all of the clutter on my dashboard.

Where did all of these drafts come from? I have no recollection of writing any of them. Nor did I ever take the time to actually edit and publish them. No wonder I haven’t posted anything in close to a year. Why bother having a blog if I can’t commit to it? 

[pause….5 minute break]

So I thought about it and have decided not to be so hard on myself. In taking stock of the year since my last post, I have been pretty busy. In fact, busy to the degree that I feel it important enough to compile a list of some of the things. A list for my own personal reckoning.

Okay, forget the list, I’m going to detail everything in one kick-a@@ run-on sentence. Bring it.

I….completed a master’s degree in less than 12 months – with a 4.0 no less, started writing for money (yeah, I know, real dollars for scribing my half-baked ideas about law enforcement testing, shwong), had things surgically removed from my body, lost the innocence of thinking that no one would ever hurt my children, struggled (and continue to do so) to stand by and stand tall for the injured child all the while trying to not crumple up on the floor in overwhelming mommy-pain, attempted to come to terms with the fact that I can’t go home to visit my peeps until I can accept that home is where an excuse for a human being robbed my daughter’s innocence close to a decade ago, metaphorically lost my other child via the enlistment process into the US Air Force, adopted the most amazing socially-disordered animal and then fell head over heels in love with his stinky butt, decided to pack up and relocate across country again, lost an amazing family member after her wonderfully full and long life (RIP Cake Granny), reaffirmed that my man really is my soul-mate and I love him more as each day passes, have determinedly begun the journey to start another educational pursuit…and I didn’t even lose any hair…or the weight from having my thyroid surgically abscond from my innards. Busy.

For those that know me, I totally would have tried to say all that on one breath; and probably would have succeeded. Lucky for me my fingers don’t need to breathe.

In closing, I have taken it upon myself to schedule a number of sessions to reacquaint myself with the lackluster things in my blogger past. I shall reconnoiter the impedimenta of notations  left laying about. With due diligence I promise to pursue and complete the dashboard spring cleaning.

Peace out.


On Public Speaking

Today’s Question:

How Do You Feel About Public Speaking ? Do you get nervous when faced with a crowd?!

"I just can't find the words"

Silly as it may sound, I like public speaking and I find it affords me the opportunity to keep track of what it is that I am trying to say.  Being an original member of the ‘I’m talking and I can’t shut up’ tee shirt club this is pretty stellar in my mind.  Ahhh, so you are scratching your head, right?

Here’s the story: I was a mousy little doormat for many many years.  Later, at a point I can’t exactly pinpoint or recall happening, I discovered that I actually dig speaking to big crowds of people. But I wasn’t born this way.

I don’t know if it was after the experiences I had making it through army basic training (5 billion years ago)….maybe. That was one of the first times discovered I had a few strengths. And, unlike regular people, I actually LIKED basic.  Ok, that is about 98 percent true. I admit,  there were quite a few times when I thought I would be better off dangling my 89 pound self from a spaghetti noodle over a pit of hungry gators rather than endure more ‘belly busters’; the bile creeping up and spewing all over the inside of my throat while I lay on the hard ground, on top of my hands, barely holding my head up despite the screaming burn tearing down each side of my neck while I flail my legs all over creation barely able to scream the chant “ONE MORE DRILL SERGEANT!!”

Anyway, I digresss….the point was succinctly about public speaking, right?! I suppose, in retrospect, I feel much more confident touting my love for, and the thrill of, public speaking because I have had to do it for so many years. Countless hours of my life have been squandered.  Time lost with me gabbing my trap in courtrooms, in front of junior college classes, and in training classes.  So, it seems simple that I have become adept at the task. Then, at some point I don’t rightly recall, a recurring theme with me, this ability transformed into a real enjoyment. I can even find comfort in doing it. [I know, right?!]

I think this fondness just comes from finding my sense of self, which I really didn’t have a clue about until my late 30’s. Prior to that time, I was still a whiz kid in the speaking department, but it wasn’t something I was as comfy with as I am now.  So it’s just an old lady ‘thang. This ethos, or excuse, diverges nicely with the reality that having a high quantity of years really just means that I just DON’T CARE what people think.  Once I hit that juncture, the ‘old lady’ one, it was like being a kid in a candy store all over again. Albeit without the penny candy. Economy + living in HI = NO PENNY CANDY, darn it.

So in turn, I propose a response and my question is this: do we really take ourselves so seriously that outward impressions matter so much that we can’t just be ourselves? Really?! It was that exact realization that clicked for me. So, as I laugh at my teen and my tween when they get all consumed with themselves and what people think, I sigh with joy because I am free. Self “freedom” serves the public speaker very well; at least that is what I think. I can just be myself, say what I need to say, and hopefully enjoy some chuckles from my audience along the way.


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Skills I’ve Learned in the Last Year

Honed not chanced.

Skilz. I think I have mad skilz. This year? Hmm. I think the one skill I ‘picked up’ this year was a little doozie called fortitude. Though I didn’t just pick it up….I got my PhD in it. Through thick and thin I did not deter from my course, plugging away, I went, despite all of the detractors. I was determined to succeed no matter what road block rudely crashed into my way. Now, I have lost many of my little threads of sanity & I am definitely wearing scars and bruises on my war-torn body. But, all in all, after a little more time of respite care…may be another month of rest needed…I can look back and say to myself, “well golly gosh there chick, you DID IT…you picked up 2 teenagers and hauled butt 5 thousand miles away on barely a prayer!” Yes, I am self aggrandized. Behind closed doors and only in the bathroom mirror, as I grin madly at myself and say ‘you go guurrl’. But after having my moment with myself, I calmly compose myself, and walk out of the loo and retain my nonchalance. I am only secretly welling with pride, sharing it with myself…no one knows about the bubbles of excitement in my tummy..’cuz i am really just a humble gal.

Not one to take things for granted, I offer daily thanks to all of my special people who supported me through this journey & I pray their good will brings them much luck and good karma ~ they deserve it. Mahalo!

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Salt Lick Anyone?

So, it perplexes me a little, this thought process that is sitting like a warm pancake on my mind. I am not sure why, but I have an overwhelming urge to lick sea salt right out of the palm of my hand.  I do. Badly. Now. Post haste. And I am sitting at my desk. This is really odd.

Of course, if I actually did go for a little ole’ lickey loo…hmm. Let me think about it a little.  Starting with the reach into my desk drawer, then comes the clutching of the Sea Salt cannister…shake shake…the clever little idea of my own salt lick begins to pique after I dump a few grains on to my hand.  I gaze lovingly at it and think, ‘what a pretty little clump of white.”  Leaning over I slowly start sticking out my tongue, leaning, whistfully swiping away each, mmm,  and every, mmm, little pungent, mmmmmm, crystal….mmmm. The anticipation of that sting of pre-tequilla sodium starts to intoxicate my brain.

Mm..[SLAP] the milisecond of  joy is abruptly spanked away by a gagging hold on my throat. Gaaaghhkk….fear and anger is triggered by the smear of a chemical gloss across the surface of my mouth. It pungently tortures…confusion sets in…there is this intermingling and simultaneous warring sensation of the taste of oil, salt, metal and the smell of sicky sweet flower nectared purfume that doesn’t match the message my brain had previously begun to process.

Agghhhgk, gag, the lotion, ‘Tahini Sweetie’…all over my hands. F*$# ME! I hate being so forgetful!

Maybe I better return to the task that initially bored me into this salty fantasy. Its gotta be safer planning a yardsale.


Yardsale anyone?